On the difference between loss and death.
Having suffered several losses in the last few years I was compelled to discuss the difference between losing someone to circumstance and losing someone to death. The question of harder is one that is hard to answer because it creates a necessity to quantify loss. However, having given the subject much thought I would say that losing someone due to a falling out or circumstance is much harder. The biggest difference is the existence of hope.
In death there is no hope. When my mother died, as a small child, I waited for her to come back, but only because I did not understand the concept of death. Often to deal with death you can simply put it out of your mind. My father let go of my mother by ignoring her existence. He put away pictures, he threw out her ashes, her clothes and stored her valuables. She was never spoken about. She was never discussed. And for all intents and purposes she had never existed. To deal with death, it's easy to remember it never happened. I never worry about running into mom at the grocery store and worrying about what to say or what to do. You can remember them however you want because there is nothing to remind you otherwise. There is no reason to force yourself to get angry with them because they did the disappearing for you, you don't have to make them disappear. When you lose someone and they are still there. The hope still exists. You walk down the hallway looking over your shoulder thinking, maybe if I look like I'm having fun and they run into me something will change. If I could just change this and then see them, they will love me again. My mind races all the time because I know they are still around. I wonder how they are doing and what they are thinking. But I can't know, because I cannot ask them. I have lost a living breathing person as opposed to a silent memory.
Eventually, the memories fade even for the living person and the mind races less. There is no security of telling yourself, if I REALLY needed them, they would be there. Eventually you realize that they wouldn't and that let down every time lets you down again and again. I knew my mother would not be there for my graduation, or my marriage, or my first child, or my future. Easier to digest? No. Not when you are living these important events and when you're noticing something is missing. Their missing is not a lack of their caring. It is completely beyond their control that they are not there. I know my mother would be there if she could but the friends and the lovers I have lost along the way would not, and they have chosen that.
When death is involved you can't second guess your own actions. They didn't die because you didn't love them enough, or you didn't spend enough time with them. You can regret not seeing them but you, unless you're currently serving time for a violent crime, did not kill them.
Even my attempt to clarify it seems futile and poorly done. Every situation is different but for me, the biggest stumbling block in healing is that my love keeps hope alive. And to kill love, you must kill hope but to kill hope, you must kill love. So I am left, feeling trapped, reminding myself again and again; everyone is dead to me.
posted at: 22:13 | path: | permanent link to this entry
What I miss about being in love
Falling out of love has been a long and arduous process but I think I've finally done it. But there are still things I miss. Things I remember about being in love, that I notice are just missing from my life.
I miss being told what I can wear, whom I can sit next to where I can go and whom I can hang out with. There is nothing like being told by someone else that they don't like your friends that they don't trust you, your dress is too low, or your pants are too tight.
I miss being treated like a piece of meat. Having my pictures passed around and asking people "don't you want to fuck her?" I miss being so excited to be somewhere with the person I love only to have them discuss, graphically to the whole room, my body, having sex with me, and what I can do. Having the person I love tell me how hot it would be to watch someone else fuck me or to pass me around to different guys so they can get their jollies.
I miss thinking about them every minute of everyday, loving every minute that I spend with them only to be ignored. To wait for days for them to call me or to hear that they don't think about me except if I'm right next to them. Struggling to stay awake until they call only to constantly fail and miss their phone call cause it doesn't come until 4 in the morning. To buy them presents and make sure they have everything they ever wanted only to hope that maybe they'll make an hour to talk to me or remember that I like flowers, ice cream or chocolate sometimes.
I miss pumping money into them. Give them the world if they need it. Pay for things like computers, car repairs, spending money, anything they cannot afford at the moment with no questions. Only to barely get a thank you or even an acknowledgement.
I miss having nightmares, waking up in a cold sweat, dreaming they are going to beat me. Being scared and not knowing why, scared of saying the wrong thing cause you can't help but be scared of their reaction; that they might snap on you.
I miss hearing promises that no one is going to keep. I miss the talking the talk while sitting on the couch. I miss having your hopes soar only to be dashed on the rocks below as they break another promise. To hear they want the same things you do with your future, they would follow you anywhere, that you're the most important thing in their life, and that they want to be a better person for you. But that only lasts a few hours a few days at most before it fizzles and you get shoved into the background again wondering if it was ever even said.
I miss feeling guilty for everything I do. Sitting for hours while a person cries that you are their only hope and now you're a fuck up too. I miss being told you're no good, again, and again, and again. I miss that sinking feeling as they inform you that you're a disappointment.
I miss being lied to. Finding out that as much as you think happened it was so much more. That things you'd beat yourself up about thinking of the other person was doing since the beginning. Finding that they lied about where they were going so you didn't ask to come along.
I miss that trapped feeling as you spend another night at home holding them, telling them it's OK while you're dying inside but you can't bring yourself to tell them. Feeling like you're not worthy of their sympathy. Feeling like you're problems are taboo to talk about. Feeling dark and alone as you try and be the light in their world.
But most of all I'd have to say I miss feeling loved. I miss looking into their eyes, and knowing that they love you, unendingly, intensely and honestly. I miss knowing that I'm safe in their arms that they will love me and care for me everyday. I miss hearing I love you. I miss planning a future. I miss the flutter in your heart when they look at you. I miss feeling wanted for who I am, all of who I am, good, bad and indifferent. I miss that illusion.
posted at: 21:20 | path: | permanent link to this entry